HUMAN!!
I am HUMAN!
I have never considered myself a feminist but then again, I have never thought I wasn’t a human being either.
I grew up in Nigeria, in a middle class household. I lived in a house with my parents and 4 older siblings - 2 girls and 2 boys. My mom is a doctor and my Dad, a banker.
Growing up was run of the mill; We played, cleaned, studied and went to bed at the same time. But there were some chores that were allocated to boys and others for the girls. For example, cooking was for the girls, while washing cars was a boys’ thing. I remember asking my mum once why the boys weren’t joining in the cooking and the answer was - "that’s just the way it is". I eventually took on some ‘boy’ chores like putting my Dad’s clothes away and changing light bulbs when my brothers left home.
The reason for the background, I guess is to let you know a bit about me and the circumstances around how I grew up.
Later,in my university years, I was the only female I knew of who would say that I wanted a husband who would cook and I remember the reaction I would get for that. Other females would say things like - you can’t cook, why must he cook, Lape, it’s a woman’s place to cook and you delude yourself . In such circles, it was hard to get my point across, which was - women and men are created equal. I don’t think and have not been taught that I, the woman, was created with any extra chromosomes that make me all in one - nanny, cleaner, cook and wife. And I don’t think the man should be the proxy driver, mechanic or "generator" man. This lead to labels being thrown - feminist.
As I continued to express these views, more men and even women, would smirk and generally give me this "you can’t be serious" look, so I learned to play along. I learned to pick my battles and realize who was and more importantly, who wasn’t open to such discourse. Thinking back, there weren’t many open to this kind of discussion.
I finished medical school and house job was pretty much the same battle. By now, I was a "pro" at the game. Meet the guy/gal, assess the person and adjust my conversation. But once in a while I would meet someone that brought out the 'best' in me. An example of this was a friend I met during the compulsory one year national youth service programme Nigerian youths are mandated to endure. He seemed like a pretty enlightened fellow and we enjoyed exchanging ideas, but one day he said to me- “I can’t wait to get married, someone to finally take care of my laundry and feeding.” I was shocked. Let’s just say it got ugly. I literally couldn’t stop the words from coming out. Nor could I stop to reason that this wasn’t an argument I could win. Of course I didn’t and I was once again labelled, a feminist.
I finished my year of youth service and worked for a year in a private hospital. This brought me into contact with several people who considered themselves enlightened. Yet I knew, bringing up or stating my beliefs on this issue would be a big mistake. As always, I slipped. An innocent enough conversation and I expressed my desire that I would like my husband to cook. In Yoruba parlance “Lobatan”. A female colleague immediately took me up on the matter -“that youth and ignorance were my problems. "Don’t live with your head in the clouds, that’s not possible" she said. She recommended that I should look forward/hope for a life with a house help or 2 to help when I am not around. Hoping for my husband to cook? That was unreasonable. This time I wasn’t shocked. I just decided that going forward, I really had to watch my company before opening my mouth. Once again - labels were thrown - feminist.
I have been forced to sit and ask myself what exactly makes me a feminist (spine shivers at the idea). I can’t say I ever really identified with the word. I was brought up in a society where being feminist was just wrong. I have done a bit of research on the word and even found that my views aligned with some of the theories. But I find that for me, I am more about gender equity- what is good for the goose should be good for the gander. I wasn’t given any special powers besides the ability to give birth and breastfeed. Just like any other human being I go to work and come home tired. Standing for hours makes my back hurt and yes sometimes, I want to bury my head in the pillow and tap my husband when the baby cries. Yes, women might be more 'maternal' but not all women are that way. So what does that make me? I don’t know and I am not in a hurry to find out. But I would much rather live in a world where I am seen as first and foremost a human being than one where I am just ...... a female.
I have never considered myself a feminist but then again, I have never thought I wasn’t a human being either.
I grew up in Nigeria, in a middle class household. I lived in a house with my parents and 4 older siblings - 2 girls and 2 boys. My mom is a doctor and my Dad, a banker.
Growing up was run of the mill; We played, cleaned, studied and went to bed at the same time. But there were some chores that were allocated to boys and others for the girls. For example, cooking was for the girls, while washing cars was a boys’ thing. I remember asking my mum once why the boys weren’t joining in the cooking and the answer was - "that’s just the way it is". I eventually took on some ‘boy’ chores like putting my Dad’s clothes away and changing light bulbs when my brothers left home.
The reason for the background, I guess is to let you know a bit about me and the circumstances around how I grew up.
Later,in my university years, I was the only female I knew of who would say that I wanted a husband who would cook and I remember the reaction I would get for that. Other females would say things like - you can’t cook, why must he cook, Lape, it’s a woman’s place to cook and you delude yourself . In such circles, it was hard to get my point across, which was - women and men are created equal. I don’t think and have not been taught that I, the woman, was created with any extra chromosomes that make me all in one - nanny, cleaner, cook and wife. And I don’t think the man should be the proxy driver, mechanic or "generator" man. This lead to labels being thrown - feminist.
As I continued to express these views, more men and even women, would smirk and generally give me this "you can’t be serious" look, so I learned to play along. I learned to pick my battles and realize who was and more importantly, who wasn’t open to such discourse. Thinking back, there weren’t many open to this kind of discussion.
I finished medical school and house job was pretty much the same battle. By now, I was a "pro" at the game. Meet the guy/gal, assess the person and adjust my conversation. But once in a while I would meet someone that brought out the 'best' in me. An example of this was a friend I met during the compulsory one year national youth service programme Nigerian youths are mandated to endure. He seemed like a pretty enlightened fellow and we enjoyed exchanging ideas, but one day he said to me- “I can’t wait to get married, someone to finally take care of my laundry and feeding.” I was shocked. Let’s just say it got ugly. I literally couldn’t stop the words from coming out. Nor could I stop to reason that this wasn’t an argument I could win. Of course I didn’t and I was once again labelled, a feminist.
I finished my year of youth service and worked for a year in a private hospital. This brought me into contact with several people who considered themselves enlightened. Yet I knew, bringing up or stating my beliefs on this issue would be a big mistake. As always, I slipped. An innocent enough conversation and I expressed my desire that I would like my husband to cook. In Yoruba parlance “Lobatan”. A female colleague immediately took me up on the matter -“that youth and ignorance were my problems. "Don’t live with your head in the clouds, that’s not possible" she said. She recommended that I should look forward/hope for a life with a house help or 2 to help when I am not around. Hoping for my husband to cook? That was unreasonable. This time I wasn’t shocked. I just decided that going forward, I really had to watch my company before opening my mouth. Once again - labels were thrown - feminist.
AM I A FEMINIST?
I have been forced to sit and ask myself what exactly makes me a feminist (spine shivers at the idea). I can’t say I ever really identified with the word. I was brought up in a society where being feminist was just wrong. I have done a bit of research on the word and even found that my views aligned with some of the theories. But I find that for me, I am more about gender equity- what is good for the goose should be good for the gander. I wasn’t given any special powers besides the ability to give birth and breastfeed. Just like any other human being I go to work and come home tired. Standing for hours makes my back hurt and yes sometimes, I want to bury my head in the pillow and tap my husband when the baby cries. Yes, women might be more 'maternal' but not all women are that way. So what does that make me? I don’t know and I am not in a hurry to find out. But I would much rather live in a world where I am seen as first and foremost a human being than one where I am just ...... a female.
I think this whole derision of feminism is a way of calling a dog a bad name to hang it. Labels are attached to automatically condemn - instead of taking people up on the merits of their argument, one simply attaches a label - kind of like an anchor - and throws them into the sea.
ReplyDeleteYou have a right to be human.
Thanks for reading Enigma. I quite agree.
ReplyDelete